The Reality of (my) Life

      There comes a time when we need to start being honest with ourselves. As i rapidly approach 60 its time to realize the truth about my life. I still, for some reason, have many dreams like maybe winning the lottery, finishing a novel that many people love, doing something astounding as a profession that changes the world for years to come or just being such a person that when I pass draws thousands to my funeral so they can share how I made a profound difference in their lives.

     But reality is here and I should accept that these things will not happen. I can still dream but should accept the inevitability. It does not mean life is over, just that I should make the remainder of my time being at peace because if success is what I am relying on for happiness then it truly will be many sad days ahead of me. All or some of my dreams still could happen and these thoughts give me a strange kind of hope but should not be the requirement. Dying alone or mourned by thousands is basically the same...  I am dead and am pretty sure those emotions die with me. Lets face it, funerals and wakes are more for the living. And why should there be sadness in lack of accomplishment, millions have passed before us with just as little or even less. I don't know many things but I am pretty sure that what we do in life is not a race to see who does the most or has the most who remember them. In One Hundred thousand years will any of us still be remembered. 

     I may be here for just one more day or maybe live another 60 years, these days should all be the same. I should just be me and find peace in what I do. As long as I remain true to what I value and want to be then I can relax. If one or more of my dreams do occur then maybe it was meant to be. All I know now is that my soul is not for sale and its value is up to me and not based on the opinions or judgements of others.

Perfection

 Lately I have been watching and listening to people complain. Trust me, you don't have to look far because EVERYONE is doing it. Texting, posting or talking out loud in conversations. What I notice most is the general form of these complaints. It appears that what people complain about is that they are expecting PERFECTION from everyone or service around them. If you don't believe me just read every comment left about a business or even just posts on social media. Why has everyone become so critical of what everyone else is doing?

So I will simply post this basic rebuttal to every complaint or criticism ever made out there. While you are complaining or whining about how your politician or service or product wasn't perfect, can you say that in your daily job or interactions did you give perfection? We love to complain how the DMV gives us slow and terrible service yet do you supply better service at your job? Can you say that you greet everyone with a smile and cheery disposition, or go out of your way to assist others, even when its 'NOT YOUR JOB'?

If we plan to demand so much from those around us to make the world 'PERFECT' shouldn't we start by at least attempting to be perfect first? There is always plenty of blame to go around, yet blaming others never fixes anything. Maybe we should start with ourselves and go forward from there.

Distractions

      Today I watched, not for the first time, a person walking through the grocery store parking lot down the middle while looking at their phone. Why doesn't anyone see the danger they put themselves in? I realize that there alot of bad or evil people on the planet but this is different. The danger comes from everyone else who is also distracted. No one cares about anything except their own needs so why do you expect others to give you a safe berth? Its ludicrous to walk through life distracted and not expect others to do the same. Humans love to lay blame, as if blaming someone stops bad things from happening. Our laws do NOT stop crimes, they just give us the power to punish and through that action becomes a deterrent but the law it self wont stop bad things.

    If you only care for yourself then take the time to be aware of your surroundings, because at the end of the day the only one who cares about you is you so leaving your fate up to others doing the right thing then you are just a fool. If you happen to be laying there in a pool of your own blood... take the time to see how you put yourself in that situation. You may find a hundred people or circumstances to blame on your predicament but that blame wont heal your wounds. The best way to recover is not to be injured in the first place. Remember the most relevant tool you have, actually the only tool, to avoid bad circumstances is your own awareness. 

    My very first Martial Arts instructor I had at the age of 14 once said, "The only guaranteed way to win a fight, is to NOT be in one". If you feel that you are or should live forever (or by reality just can't imagine anything will happen to you) then pay attention. Most situations can be avoided but you have to make the effort, no one else will.

Small Update

     It feels like time for a small update as a lot has happened. It has been 4 months since I lost my job/quit, yet finances have not been an issue.  In one week my fiance will have her interview at the US Embassy for her K-1/K-2 Visa application (Visa to come to US for purpose of marriage) so our journey to be together is potentially happening soon (after 18 months). Lastly, my best friend and companion of over 14 years passed away 2 weeks ago. Yes, I lost Oscar.

I have had many pets/companions over the last 50 years. Dogs, Cats, reptiles, amphibians. birds, rodents and even arachnids.  However, Oscar has been my longest companion ever and by far the most important one. He has traveled with me extensively over the years, been there during some of my most trying of times (new jobs, leaving Navy, Divorce, depression attacks... etc). It has been a few weeks but it still feels different waking up and not having him  there in the bed with me. I think, someday, I may have to finish the poem I started about him. I will forever miss him.

The Journey goes on

 About that time for another post. We look to be in the final stages of getting my Bride to the US. She has her Embassy interview at the end of next month. If all goes well she, and her son, could be here by Early May. All I can do is wait and see but the year long journey is coming to an end.  However, I wont believe it until she makes it here and is in my arms.

  Not sure if I mentioned earlier but I left my Job effectively the end of january and still no new employment opportunities. As I am able to afford my current existence AND I have a Fiance on the way I stopped pushing for new employment. I will dive in again once she arrives. Until then I still have over a dozen resumes out there and even though time does not look favorable for a happy ending on any of them I wont be turning down any offers that do present themselves.

 With the world in such conflict with itself, and everyone caught up in the turmoil I have been seperating myself from most of the world and communities. I just don't understand humans any longer. They all seem to be yelling and disagreeing without really listening. I cant make anyone see the truth or change how they are, as history has proven time and again you cant force people to be or do anything. They have to want it themselves. All I can do is change myself. They best way to not be affected by what's going on around me is simply to NOT PLAY THE GAME. I am setting myself up to a simple lifestyle, hopefully with another kind person next to me, and to ignore the news, social media, opinions (basically the chatter) around me. I don't need others telling me how I should feel or what I should believe in. What I think is the only true freedom I have (freedom of speech is a LIE in America) and the only way to preserve that for now is to not broadcast it over social media (yes I do realize the irony in this post). My lifestyle is my way of telling the world I dont give a Fuck what you think, or how you feel, just leave me alone.

 I realize I no longer need or want to be happy, I just want peace and contentment. The world moves on around me as I am not the center of the universe. Cause no harm is a motto that allows me to survive without disruption the world around me. Someday maybe humanity will evolve their emotional ways to find a similar method to coexist but I won't hold my breath. 

New year

 I have tried to do regular posts. Ones that would bring out thoughts I had for specific ideas or topics. However the frequency I post has made this pretty worthless. An idea a year seems pathetic. So I guess I will turn this more into a journal.

2026 has began the start of a turning point for me. I quit my job 3 weeks ago. I say quit, more like resigned before they could fire me. Was under investigation for violating company policies concerning email security and even though I am sure I could have survived the investigation I could not take the chance so resigned. This forced me to move on. I worked at the shipyard for almost 9 years but to tell the truth I hated every day.  I will miss the 6 figure salary but I think I will be able to manage with less, and hopefully live a more enjoyable life. Also, 19 months ago I started a relationship with a young woman in Vietnam. After 6 months we got engaged and currently still waiting for the approval to bring her to the US to be married. I have been married 3 times in my 50+ years and getting married again seems insane. Yet she has very old world family beliefs and shows genuine affection for someone like me so it feels right doing this. My journey now is to wed and live out the rest of my days in a very simple lifestyle. It a bonus that she is also a Buddhist. As I have practice Buddhism for almost 30 years it is nice to share religious beliefs with someone I don't have to explain my lifestyle to. In the last 19 months I have been to Vietnam twice (You don't think I would get engaged without meeting in person do you?).

So thats my tale for now. I sit at home every day just waiting on emails. The email from the Ho Chi Minh Vietnam Embassy saying the paperwork is ready for my fiancée to apply for her Visa and many emails concerning the 2 dozen reply's concerning the jobs I have applied for. As I pray at my home shrine daily I wait for better news on what the future may hold for me.

Divorce

 Not as dramatic as the title suggests, although I have gone through 3 Divorces in my life so far. Today I took a stand against a growing concern I have observed for quite some time.

I do enjoy technology.  Years ago I decided to splurge on an Amazon Echo Show. A handy device that offers all the functionality of an Echo Dot (the ability to ask Alexa anything) with the added feature of a 10 inch screen that has a multitude of visible display options and includes a video camera (for video calls).  I don't need or want an imagined digital assistant to tell and show me all things in my life like reminders, messages and a thousand ideas. My desires were basic and all I wanted was a 10 inch display that shows the time with my personal favorite wallpaper images. Nothing more. Occasionally I might ask a few basic questions (like todays weather) or have it read my audio book before bed.

We all know that our devices are reading or listening to us, algorithms are compiling data to send out to thousands of clients who pay to know what we talk about or mention all in an effort to sell us more stuff.  What we have is not good enough for anyone because we can always buy more. Marketing teams are just compiling more and more stuff for us to buy. If people spent a tenth of the time trying to produce quality or necessary items for people as they do just trying to sell we might have a better society someday. However, this is not the HUMAN way.  As much as I tried to stop it, my Echo Show consistently continued to audibly add suggestions to questions I asked or, more importantly, displayed products to buy. Even after going into the settings and turning off ALL the suggestion topics (and there are a lot of them) the display rarely showed what I wanted to see when I looked at it. The marketing department just has to have their plugs into everything we buy because we NEED to buy more.

After a 2 am argument with my Alexa, it ended up unplugged and on the floor. I am officially divorcing you and putting you on notice. Today my new digital clock sits where she used to. I cant fight this greedy system any longer but as I have learned the only way to win is NOT TO PLAY. As useful as Alexa, or Google Home or etc is I don't see it that useful if I have to live in your world. I would like to say that I was going to cut myself off from Amazon completely but currently that is not an option, however tomorrow I will be spending less. Time to start to get back to a simpler life.